A Ray-Ban Fiasco. A Way-unFarer Debacle.

Dear Ray-Ban,

            You guys are just the tops. Seriously. The second I put your shades on, I instantaneously feel like Tom Cruise in Risky Business. I’m a huge advocate for your company and have purchased both Ray-Ban sunglasses, as well as your current Ray-Ban yoga-pants-bluetooth-headset-combo, all-in-one. This past summer life was good. I shared quite a few memories with my Wayfarer Ray-Bans. The two of us built my first business together—a crepe food cart called Batter (batterfoodcart.com). To be honest, it’s hard to imagine my life without your Wayfarers in it. That is why I was heartbroken when the bridge, both between our lives and in between my nose, snapped. Please give me the chance to explain.

The day was July 10^th and I felt unstoppable. On this particular day was Batter’s grand opening at a Whole Foods food truck event. As I’m sure you know well, launching your first business is terrifying—and your Wayfarers were my security blanket.  Everything was going swimmingly until our electrical wreaked havoc 10 minutes before opening.  Our electric crepe makers were pulling too much energy, thus causing our generator to shutdown. Thankfully, there was only one thing keeping me sane: knowing that my Ray-Bans were safely tucked away in my right cell phone pocket of my Volcom shorts. But as I pulled them out on that sunny day, they snapped in half at the bridge. I’m not saying I didn’t accidently sit on them at one point, but on that particular day I never had them in my pocket while sitting. They must have snapped from the pressure of my shrinking shorts, due to the extremely nervous tension of the situation. This debacle was Way-unFarer.

RayBan, you truly have always been the one for me. I never knew how much you meant to me, until you were gone. Now these Wayfarers were a gift from my close friend Lindsey, so unfortunately I never received a receipt to prove the date of purchase. I am knee deep in student loans, as well as broke from starting this business from scratch; I am unable to buy new Wayfarers or pay a hefty amount of money to fix them. I am asking you from the bottom of my heart if you would please send me a new or refurbished pair of Wayfarers in return for my loyalty to the Ray-Ban family forever. I promise I will tell this story to my children and grandchildren, who will in turn share this inspiring tale and great deed to the future generations of the Humphreys clan.

It took me several months to muster up the energy of writing this letter to you due to the trauma from the incident. But now that I have calmed down I realized something. “If there’s one thing I’ve learned in all of my years, sometimes you gotta say what the f*ck, make your move.” If you are unable to help me out, please go ahead and just throw them out. I can no longer bare to see a broken piece of something that was so close to my heart.

Please email me at sawdustprinting@gmail.com so I can send you my address or so we can discuss logistics further.

Thank you for reading my cathartic speech. I appreciate your time.

A fan of yours, truly!

Jordan Humphreys